Woman of the former

  Iron Curtain ask the Darndest Questions, Do I have Mental Issues? Bipolar? History of Family Craziness? If i did does she really think i would confess to it , I left it at I'm probably a lil Nutty, but of course in a fun way. She'll get back to me..........Just about to Head out for a Get together with an attractive Older woman the text comes " Hi.....I'm very sorry to cancel so late, but I've changed my mind.. Not sure we are the right fit for one another. I'm sorry so late...." Duh, Was their any doubt we were?  I  wished her the best of luck in finding what she was looking for..... How do you determine whose first in line, When people Start assembling outside a Citi Bank a few Minutes before it opens? Their were Seven of us waiting, I was the Third person for sure. Their were Four tellers when the Bank opened, I had to wait on line... Who cares?......

A Week into my Diet,

  The only thing i seem to be losing is hair, Maybe it's time to wave the white flag in this never ending Weight loss battle...... My Trip to Queens Sunday afternoon was stalled, due to a side Swiping incident on the LIE, the driver who hit me to his credit Stopped, and checked to see if all was OK. For me this is already the 4th Mishap with this Cursed Vehicle. Stepping outside to Survey the damages of which seemed to only be a  Scratched up side Bumper. We exchanged information, and he offered me 300- 400 in cash. The Typical Standard Israeli always over inflates the damage and the bargaining starts at at least 500.  I declined his offer,doubting the damage was that high, and told him I'll check it out. Here is the dilemma, My whole bumper would probably need to be repainted, when my lease is up, and should they just repaint that area, it wouldn't match the rest of the bumper. With a clear conscience can i ask for money for something that Needs to be done eventually, and if I ask for Money Whats a fair amount?  A better Question to ask Why  the Hell Was I going to Queens?........Congratulations to the Munster's  on the birth of a baby girl,  no Bris  Which translates to No gift.........

History Does not

  Repeat itself, it just Rhymes. After last Saturday night's fiasco with the Shiksa Sensation, who completely blew me off, by ignoring all my corresponding texts. The Same circumstances were drawn up for this Saturday night, with the exception that she was Very much Jewish like me. Exchanging texts, of looking forwards, which by the way is probably the biggest crock of....... The Correspondence Stopped. Never over messaging, A late Friday Afternoon, 90th minute Text - Something better came up, get lost and take a hike. Oops typo  She had am Awful 24 hour virus, and wanted to see if we can reschedule? " Absolutely For sure, must be the weather, Shabbat Shalom "She thanked me for understanding, we have tentatively Scheduled for Never. Their is some other things cooking, They just not be Really Kosher..........A  fait accompli,  It maybe a coincidence, but I've noticed that all people who put their Syrian Yarmulke folded and on  the top of their heads happen to be douche bags. I always wondered if they all got together to plan it that way...........

In Israel

 In order to be a realist, one must believe in Miracles (DBG) . Happy 67th to the Zionists.........  It Took President Harry Truman 11 minutes to recognize the provisional Jewish government as the De facto government of the State of Israel..... What took so long?..... Not Sure who to root against more The Rockets or Mavs, They Both cut Israelis  Omri Casppi and Gal Mekel........



Reprinted:

 TEN THINGS ISRAELI
10.) The Rowdy and vociferous clapping when the wheels touch down at Ben Gurion 
9.) Black Tie Events Include Jeans and Sneakers 
8.)You Never have to worry about Cursing at any Venue TV/ Radio/ Events/ Weddings etc All Are uncensored in Hebrew English and Arabic
7.) EHHHH EHHHH EHHHHH EHHHHH
6.) The Strip Clubs have Mezuzot
5.)  The White Gym Socks at any Social Event are and will always be in Style
4.) You Can pretty much pee where ever you want
3.) Israeli Scalpers are really Really honest
2.) Being Bar Mitzvah Entitles you the right to buy Cigarettes, Beer and Porn
1.) Home To the Worlds Greatest outdoor Party kotel plaza- Jerusalem

A) For the country that Invented the great Navigation system WAZE,  It will never beat the Wonderful directions of the Pointing  " Here Or There" by the great people

The Listerine Toe

        of Reform girl iii  unhealed, She asked if  it were OK to Meet her in LIC, and she wear sneakers. This Seemed way to easy, But of course. The Town is Extraordinaire, beautiful apartment Buildings, on the Water front over looking Manhattan. No Sneakers, She was dolled out, and looked like She came off the set of Some  LI Housewives show, She had the really great accent to. Over the course of Drinks, I listened, and listened about her work, her Wild times, and of course her Lesbian friends. She was overtly animated, but especially interesting, and I was counting on being rewarded for my Exceptional listening skills. Chatting more about her toe, and showing concern  in front of her Building, I knew that it was Now or Never, She didn't invite me up.......Never won..........

G0d Decided not

 to wait to much longer to get back at me. After getting a really nice text from the Shiksa Sensation, I followed it up with some better ones. Not responding to any of my Texts, I contemplated calling , Maybe girls didn't like it only when guys text?  but how about an acknowledgement text ? Maybe their was something wrong? Maybe she came to her senses after drinking So much Wednesday night? It became pretty clear, That I wont be advancing to the next round. I do appreciate, when people tell me the  "it's her loss" line, But that's almost as good as telling Someone, that there team played good after losing by a lot.......... Rena is the only one whose been Honest with me when she told That I got Fat, When One hears that from his own Mother, You know it's a serious problem.............

4 outta 5

  Rabbis would NOT object, if they saw the girl that i was meeting up with Wednesday night. This was a classic One- Sixteen match up and I thrilled to be at the Big Dance.  Nursing an Amstel light at a upfront table in a  upscale PAS bar/ Restaurant  for over forty minutes waiting, The last text i got from her was 10 minutes and that was over half hour. Could this be Karma for me Standing up a girl once in the nineties whom asked me to meet her at a downtown club, and unbeknownst to me was a club for Obese woman or to be more PC BBW.  It was me and several Little Black Guys, I panicked and ran away. Evolved since then I figured it took G0d a little while to pay me back for my past transgression.  G0d apparently is saving that for later, Kyrie elesion she looked really Hot and  after a short apology, Everything that one hopes for to happen on a first date happened, that is of course till i dropped her off home, and that didn't happen. She was Pretty, attentive, Funny, Got a perfect score in math on her SAT, Affectionate Sweet, and not very Jewish, But the fact that she was forced to have a Jewish Calendar for work Koshered the situation. She invited me to a Games night on Saturday with a bunch of people, Seems like I am heading to the round of Thirty Two.............

The Slut Phase?

    Reform Week Extended into one more date, This time with a perky,and bubbly East Philadelphian Semi Young lady.  After probably my greatest Tinder conversations not involving Woman who like to have their ... She chose her home turf, and my old turf the financial District for drinks. The Conversation continued from where we left off, with brief interjections of shared Stories. She was telling me of a Woman Acquaintance whom recently got Divorced, and has been on a tear having as much Sex as possible, and it was normal cause it was her " Slut Phase". Thinking it was only a guy thing, I asked if she was in that Phase some 10 years after she got divorced, She Would of had Sex with me Ten Years ago, and how about now? She laughed it off and Wished me a good night. Certainly not looking to hook up, but clearly not against my religion, this night was truly not different than any other night .Religion levels Would probably curtail any hopes of a future.As Reform Week comes to a close, it's time to look beyond that to a really really promising Shiksa week...... ...........Explaining to the great EEE, How dating works in 2015, He was unimpressed as he kept on persisting to get me the Number for the Really fit with girl with the, Some Buts. " Great, I'll text her next week, Will set up something local" . Aghast, he not only insisted, I call. but call that same Night.  Arguing back and forth, It felt as if we were negotiating A cease fire to the church of the Nativity Stand off of 2002. We haven't reached the conclusion to the Standoff, but EEE, is pissed.  In my defense, His track  record with me has not been good. He set me twice, Once a  date on the nine days  with a Religious Russian girl, That Midas well  have been on Tisha Be Av, and once with a young lady that I cut my thumb on a cheap Chinese umbrella, and began bleeding profusely, Where it was unclear what was worse the bleeding or the Date..........

Reform Week Part iii

Concluded with a Matinee Date at Midtown Hotel Lounge and bar called POD39.  Hobbling, Due to Listerine falling on her toe,she strolled in  around Five Minutes late, made up well and Smelling like roses. Enjoying her personality, She had youthful exuberance and insatiable curiosity to the odd and Obscure. She had a keen sense to observations, and was good at sensing if someone was out for a hook up. The Jury was out on me, as she did catch me staring at her boobs on several occasions. always fumbling to cover them up. Continuing to Fake sip my jack and water, I took a long slurp, as she was talking about her Lesbian Friends( the good ones. i asked )  in park slope, who wanted her to go with them to a Lesbian Mud Wrestling event, Something i would shave several years off my life to  attend.. It was time to get back to work, or in my case to Usher in the 7th day of Passover, With the prospects of Church on Sunday very promising .......Someone who doesn't pray the evening prayers, Should not be allowed to participate in the OMER. So Due to self  imposed Religious Violations, I have been put on OMER probation This Season........ The "To Much time on you're hands fun fact of the week" Their are 19 Pizza wheels in a small bag of the Osem Bissili totaling 140 calories. If you're scoring at home, that's roughly 7.36 calories per Wheel..........Lauren Hill the courageous 19 year old college basketball player passed away from Brain Cancer This week. She was one of the great reasons why we sometimes love sports ...

It always Scares

         
   
            me to be the only car parked on a block, even when all signs and arrows indicate its legal.  Reform Girl #2 was already inside the 54th Street Bar, when i walked in. The Reaction This time was if we Hit that Three to tie the game. Her reaction  to me on the other hand....But I will say this she did contact me first and my photos are very recent. An Avid runner, She was especially fit, With good features and Pretty. The place was crowded and loud, and I insisted we sat at a table even if it meant having to order food. The Plan for date #2 was much of the same, order a drink, stir it here and there and make believe to be drinking Hoping she would excuse herself so i can spill some of it. Either She had the personality of a Fly or She really found me repulsive. It was pulling teeth trying to formulate a conversation. She didn't seem to want to play,and it affected me very negatively. I ordered of all things a Bacon, and cheddar sandwich, with Fries and Mashed Potatoes. Probably because it was the cheapest thing on the Menu, and asked her if she wanted to take it home,.She loved Bacon, but found the idea of Eating bread on Passover Revolting. Continuing to fumble for conversation. I Sounded like Levi Eshkol Delivering his speech to the Israeli public a couple days prior to the Six Day War. Finally a Spark lit, When she told me in Hebrew " Ben Zona. lech Tzdayen" - you Son of a Bi$#ch  God F#%uck Yourself, it wasn't directed at me, But oddly I really wished it was. At least It would have been a reaction. After a little more than an hour, the night mercifully ended, She did answer my question  that it is  worse to eat non kosher for Passover on Passover than non kosher year round.........

Reform Week.....

             
     With Three Reform girls, on the Schedule for Passover Week, I had to make sure to be extra careful on Hametz, and that included Yeast.  Waiting  With nervous excitement in front of the Charles Dickens Novel Like lounge on 89th Street, My thought was this girl has to be better than the last girl I met here. The Second she turned the corner and made her way towards me, I froze, If felt as if i were a coach watching one of my players go in for a lay-up at the buzzer, except we needed a Three to tie the game. She did mention she was in the worst shape of her life, and she was not kidding. We ordered Drinks and managed to have a Spirited conversation. It was unclear to me weather she realized  That I did not pick up my drink not to violate the Passover and be Struck down.  We were both really  rooting for Wisconsin, and hoped that at least that would salvage the night, but the game turned out to go about as well as our date except it lasted much more longer........ In Egypt , It doesn't matter who and how many people vote. What matters is who counts the votes. When Duke Plays it doesn't matter who they play, but rather who officiates...... I am Still wishing that Mike Krzyewski  turns into the next Bill Cosby..

A Pessimist is a Person

 When forced by a choice of Two Evils. Decides to take them both..... Skipping Passover Part 1 was out of the question, I was graciously hosted by My brother and sister in law in Long Island. The Seders were done in similar fashion of how, We used to do it growing up, with a Twist being added that their was a Special Cup of Water Placed near Elija the Prophet Wine, That Was supposed to be for Miriam The prophet, Whom was responsible for the water Supply of the Jews in the Desert.....    .Besides the four Questions there were some others submitted. Is it worse Eating non Kosher all year, or eating non kosher for Passover on Passover? If Someone finds hmm let's say $17 on the Street on Passover, Can he pick it up, if he earmarks the Money towards a charity?  Is it better to Swipe right on a really unattractive, just for the sake of matching, with out having any intentions to contact or respond to her?... An interesting call from the great EEE. " Their is this girl, Fit, Attractive,Sweet, Rich etc.. " I can get you a date with her". Of course their is a but,in this case their are Four buts, but Something tells me I've been there before.....

The Island of

 

    Long was chosen as the venue for this year's  Harvest celebrations. Their will not be an attempt this year to become the Roger Bannister of passover and complete the Seder in under Four Minutes or in Seder Minutes Twenty four. Two years ago I clocked in  at 27 minutes 54 seconds, Had i not spilled the Ketchup I probably would've shaved around 30- 40 seconds of that time. I can't help thinking again and again, would G0d really mind, if i decided to sit this holiday out, After all the Final four is on and as history has it the last time an undefeated team played on Passover was the great 1991 UNLV  team who were matched up against DUKE. With Vegas in control, A highly controversial Offensive foul, Wiped out what was supposed to be a Three point play for Sr Guard Greg Anthony and sent him to the bench with his fifth foul. Duke went on to win the game.  My brothers and I all watched the Game on Tape that my grandfather put on for us, and  Right after Anderson Hunts Shot clanked of the rim, I walked to the VCR took the tape out and smashed it.... History will repeat itself 23 Years later and another Passover miracle will happen. Wisconsin will Ruin Kentucky's perfect Season, and the 1976 Indiana Hoosiers will remain the last undefeated team to win the National Championship...............

THE PASSOVER BILL OF RIGHTS

 The Passover Bill of Rights 

  1. Poor Mans Bread Cost a $#it load of Money
  
  2. Elijah The Prophet Comes in through the Front door and not the Chimney He does NOT         bring presents

 3. In The Haggadah BEN ZOMA is a Scholar and not a Son of a Bitch 

 4. Everyone is aware the Romanian Lettuce has been Checked for Bugs, You do NOT need to  announce, when flying does the Pilot insist on Telling you That every Valise has been                 Checked for Bombs

   5. Macaroons are the officially sanctioned snack of this holiday 

  6. Double Dipping is not only Allowed But Encouraged,  
  
  7. Customary to Not Lace one's Shoes to Symbolize the Shackles our forefathers were              chained to in Egypt 

8. The Stick that beat the dog that bit the cat that ate the cheese Story is completely bullcrap 

9. The Jewish version of the NCAAs start on the second Night, Known as " The Omer"- The rules Single elimination, if you miss it you're out- You may still play at home..........

10. The commentators  say The real reason we eat matzoha is , while escaping from  Egypt G0d Wanted to constipate the Jewish people, that no one should have to go to the Bathroom and hold up the rest of the crowd  

 Some more helpful Tips 
1) From a girl that gave me a hernia Schlepping her bags before a date - put Jelly Rings in the Freezer they taste delicious frozen 
2) if you plan on fornicating Yeast is Hametz 
3) If a girl Tells you she has a lot of weddings and party's to attend right after Passover- really means Take a Hike