Put your

  Hand in the hand of the man, Since the Crisis began I have Shaken only TWO peoples hands. The First was the Great Sidney Arthur Rosenberg of the Sid and Bernie show at the "Corona virus hates the jews Rally" where I mentioned I was a big fan and Was sorry he never got to meet Lee Mazzili, He Said he had to go and Extended his Hand out. The Second was a Delivery guy from the Rolling Hills of Tennessee, After unloading Freight by me on an Early Rainy morning Sometime in October.  Instantly, After both Encounters, I immediately reached for the Purell, and Hoped..... Tip Season is Upon us, and I always agreed it was a nice gesture, But completely unnecessary. Why Should Someone Be Given Extra Cheese for doing Their Job? Unlike a Server, Or Livery Driver it's not something that is incorporated in their Salary. The Damage this Year will be be $1850 Personal and roughly $425 Business of which some can be counted as Hush Money.....The Humane Mouse Trap Count is Five over the past Three Days, That Includes Two in One Trap This morning. Just like released Terrorists I make them Sign a waiver Never to return, and release at the End of the Block to head out South towards Kings Highway........

A Vibrator,

 

  to be specific, a Trojan Vibrations Ultra Touch Fingertip massager, Was Snuck into my Bag of Groceries and food As I was closing up my office and heading home. Upon arriving home, the bag was placed on the bench where my Betrothed, usually unpacks it. After washing up, I was horrified to see my little daughter walking around with dental floss, and that Purple package. Usually giving the benefit of doubt it was clear who done it, perhaps as clear as a Yemenite "inadvertently" lifting a certain special Knife blade. The Next morning I arrived at a 5th Ave Brooklyn pharmacy to pick up a return. With appx 23 Minutes to kill prior to their opening at 800, I walked into the Walgreens down the block for some Scotch tape and Red bull (Sugar free of course). Walking in the alarm Buzzed, and I proceeded on my Trek to the Scotch Tape section. It did and didn't surprise me when the cashier gave me back .96 cents, while the customer ahead of me in the Exact same situation was given the Whole dollar back. Declining a bag, I headed to the door, Where Guess what, Confidently I walked back to the Cashier, emptying my pockets to show that Nothing was lifted, only to pull out no pun intended,  Sheepishly, I gave the " dog ate my Homework" Explanation and after expounding further, The smiling cashier and Manager gave me the vote of confidence of " No Judgements here" The Moral of the Story Always check your pockets.....For the first time since moving on "UP", I parked in the same exact street Spot for  Three Consecutive nights,  The Previous record Was Two, Done on Several Occasions......

 

Early Ballots,

 

 is a lot like Checking in you're Valises first, at the Airport ,They Get Processed First, But  Come out last at the Pick up Carousel.....At What Point is one declared a Hoarder, Perhaps at 40 Boxes of Lysol wipes, Currently I'm at 33...... Back in my Retail Days, nothing more i detested was that "Excuse me, Or the Fake extended Cough to get my Attention to get to the register right away. After Waiting to place an order at a local Pizzateria for roughly FOUR minutes, I continued waiting, where upon a Middle aged Heimeshere Lady Walked right up to the glass counter and had was promptly greeted with a " may a help you", She  never even motioned to the Clerk that I was there first, I walked out...... It brought me back to the time a debutante, Shamelessly plopped her items on the counter, Knowing ,  my stuff was there first and telling the clerk in an unsavory manner " I am double parked"........ 

White People,

 

    Well actually Some White people are very Stupid. Firstly I am under no circumstances mimicking mask wearing, but sitting in you're car ALONE, Waiting for a meter to Expire for over an Hour while wearing a mask.....Every Day i make a concerted effort not to Honk, Swear and Admonish someone who beats me to a spot, or drives slowly etc.  Every Day I Fail.....Just Like the rest of the civilized world the General rule for WAZE is to take the fastest Route, When no Tolls Exist, and when they do, My Rule is Four Minutes Time Difference, Before I succumb and Support the MTA.... Time is relative, Being frugal this morning I decided to forgo the $6.12 Fee to the Battery Tunnel, and go with the 4 minute Slower ride on the Bridge. Putting my faith in Waze, got me Delayed or Stuck in almost every possible imaginable way. Finally Arriving Noineteen Minutes Beyond my Expected time is not all that bad, Except when you're driving Wiggling from one Butt Cheek to another to avoid the unavoidable, After All G0d is great and I made it....It was Heartwarming to See American Flags Being proudly Displayed and waved at all the Socially Distanced Champagne drinking helection Celebrations, I'm Glad We are back to being The Land of the Free and Home of the Brave.......Took me a while to notice that most of my Entries are very much like the Balfour Declaration, Bad grammar, and one long run on Sentence...

Doody

A Couple of Years ago, I drafted a stand up routine Should i ever go into the comedy Business, However i Misplaced My Notes so here is a summary of my routine. Caution this can be really bad...

      Not all Doody's are Homogeneous and no that doesn't mean a really smart gay guy.... Going #2 is like going to WAR, and now i know  Some would say Well have you ever been to War, Why trivialize it with, For the record I have never Been in any wars or Even War zones the closest I got was Staying in Southern Israel during protective edge in 2014 and the most traumatic moment for me was peeing all over myself after hearing my uncles wife yelling their was a code red. Now When going #2 one must Asses (no pun intended) what kind of #2 it would be kind of like having intelligence in the field. Now for  obvious reasons you  would want to fight this war on you're home Turf, You know the terrain the lay out of the land, and have an understanding of where everything is. Upon the first Splat the immediate call of action must be the courtesy flush, Which more or less is the Equivalent to the Air force Strike to clear up the area as much, Once that's Done you gain Clarity weather its a constipated doody, a Smooth one, A wet one etc... Then You move into the Ground Troops phase , which is the Toilet Paper , This will determine How smooth the war will go. Will it require a huge force of Squares, if the Massive use of force would irritate the Area, Would it be like iraq or would it be like Grenada? Once that Phase is completed Then the Mop up phase Starts which is the baby wipes stage where you wipe out any of the last resistance of the Insurrection, Making sure there is No doody left and thus avoid the Shame of the Skidmarks. Throughout the process the Air Force or the Flush is Used PRN  ( Dr's terms for as needed)  

What Percentage

     

  Of Life do you think You are operating at ?..... ,"Think about it", like the Heart. A Heavy Smoker, With Weight issues, and family history of  Cholesterol Heart Operates at about 15 Percent, That has been the best analogy I can think of how we are operating during this crisis.........A Woman from the housing Authority reeking of a cheap perfume and attitude, came in Flashing a Badge to check up on the location and make sure we are not in defiance of Kaiser Wilhelm Edicts. I'm not sure whether i should have cooperated completely, but I did, apparently they come to enforce the "Rules" at the Hot Spots. She Said she did NOT ticket me, But would you trust anyone from the City?...... " Do me a Favor"? Does that constitute as asking for a favor? Al Pacino Famously Said in Carlito's Way, "A Favor can kill you, faster than a bullet". The Employee of the Month, has recommended we chart  " Favor's Log " to ensure their is a Balance in Favors......... 

 

To Avoid Paying,

 

  fines all peoples of Faith, as long as they follow the rules. Should start Gathering on Subways and Buses and having their quorum or Minyans there. Fares and masks required, Would that go against the Science?.....Say No to Crack, And Thus far I am one day Clean........

Telling a

 

     Hasadic That he can't go to shul, is like telling Pilgrim Arriving at Plymouth Rock to Bathe... King Coumo II Son of Mario Facha Bruta King Coumo the I, and Mayor Kaiser Wilhelm Have said recently discovered video Showing  that the hasadeems, having mass gatherings Was deeply troubling, Thanks for the breaking news, It's only been going on Since JUNE......... I overpaid someone who does occasional deliveries' for me $40, Thus far he has ignored it, Should I bring it up?.....1-1-0 the Stats of the week 1 Hair cut, 1 Trip to the cleaners and 0 times Exercised since the Crisis Started.......An Argument has ensued Between myself and a colleague, as to whom was crazier, Myself or him, Stay tune for the Tale of the Tape, As you the 3 Readers would get to vote, With all proceeds going to the KY for the Needy Fund.....

Losing it,

  

    is a rare occurrence for me,  let me rephrase "really losing it", being provoked by my hasidic Neighbors, caused me to throw garbage bags at them and almost Striking them with pallet corner sticks. It didn't really matter what they did, but it was the classic case  of the  Eleven Pound of S%#it  syndrome. The only  Negative to this story was the Two colleagues at the Big J were not there to witness it, But on the bright side  a Pakistani kid, looking to make himself an internet sensation was fliming  the incident, upon which  i encouraged him to continue to flim, while yelling at the hasadim that i hated jews,  I suggest you search pakistani kid fliming Anti- Semite, perhaps good news for my colleagues......A friend whose name rhymes with Fachme has been sending me a lot of "Inspirational"  Torah Messages from a Torah Giant and a Notorious Anti-Zionist,  Advised by a man of reason to go the "Facts of Life"  route,  and  " Take the good, take the bad"  I'm Pretty Doubtful of Getting Inspiration, by someone who finds me reprehensible and deplorable .....

" Only Success,

 

    are to be celebrated, you don't celebrate failures, and that has been Policy for over 25 Years..... A colleague who cut barley a cm of my hair, Clearly knowing the Policy, was irritated at the fact that It's Just as much My right NOT  to participate in my own Birthday Observances, as it was his Right to Participate. To paraphrase the late Lesley Sue Goldstein " It's my party, I can Cry if I want to"...... Twenty Five Pushes per minute is what i calculated pushing my daughter on the Swings.......A Friend got Stuck on Ocean Parkway, and needed a Saw to cut the Metal Bumper stuck to his Tire. I drove by to the nearest Hardware, Where I Mistakenly Purchased and Electric Saw for $87.78   Instead of a hand held one. With Brick and mortars struggling, I decided to Just keep it, perhaps for a future horror film. A  trouble maker friend from Yemen and purveyor of Fake news , came by and began excoriating me for paying so much, he could get the same one for $10. The fact Checkers did not Exactly Validate his account, However when seeing it for $27.99 + additional savings I knew The Store pulled a fast one me, However what bothered me more was when looking at the package, there was a $65.99 sticker on the package...

WHY DO PEOPLE

 

      feel compelled to be NICER to Rich people?, to Laugh Harder at their Jokes, greet them like  conquering Heroes?..... A Regular looking Shlub Walked into The Big J to have a Vacuum Serviced, while Entertaining him and treating ordinary , We had a good exchange, Upon hearing after about His Stature, Eminence and opulence, We  lamented that we didn't treat him Extra ordinary.......Parking has been pretty bad on the UES, That's why it's always helpful to share intelligence with the Doormen, and porters to increase the odds of finding spots. When fortunate to land a good spot, I text my doorman, He always responds by calling me SIR, aside from Loathing that title, I don't know how to respond back, I usually Don't............Stat of the week 108 Minutes over the past Three Nights, to find ANY spot... A GREAT idea by a guy who Sends me Brooklyn apartment Rentals on a daily Basis, let me be clear this is His idea and I am just a messenger to the 3 people this may come across their Screens. HAZANIDOL, a contest for the youth to be Judged by the prominent cantors of the community, That would not only raise money for good causes, but give opportunities to the Youth to contribute, while winning cash prizes........

 

Pragmatism

 

  Dictates that During Difficult times, You make due with the best of the Situation. Attending Services for the first time in Six months, this was the protocol. Prior to entering the Building you are questioned by an Israeli TSA style agent who checks you're name, and asks about you're whereabouts for the past couple weeks. Upon clearing that hurdle, is  a Quick Temperature check, then being escorted to a waiting elevator ushering you to the 9th floor Terrace for services.... It was calming that it was an open Service with Seats Spaced out to regulations. Masks were enforced and Except for  the cantor, and few from the group that rhymes were Spomoccans everyone was pretty much compliant.... Paying $300 for Nose bleeds, it didn't matter as it was more of a general admission. I Sat in the back, naturally next to the perianal throat clearer.  The Opening up cantor Eager to impress brought his Extra Special Holiday Show Tunes, My ONLY Issue Was the Excessive dragging out of the prayer, that it was really cold, The Uncomfortably of the Masks, and the Anxiety of still being in Closer distance with people....The Main act followed up, and read the crowd and situation well and finished in good time.... The Rich people really love to purchase the last Alliyah to the Torah ( Maftir), and they clearly deserve it for the amount of Cheese they spend, However They Should be Barred from actually reading it  and allowing the cantor to do so, on a Short Portion it took him an Extra 7 Min 33 Seconds.........

According to the

  Russians, One who doesn't ring in the new Year celebrating, Wont be celebrating the whole year...Hmmm..... A Mea Culpa, After several years of mimicking an acquaintance on Personal Hygiene.   Even to the point of sending people to Shake his hand, a long and overdue Apology is necessary.  Much Like Noah Who was Mocked and derided for telling people Gd would destroy the earth, he blew the whistle on Hand shaking, A concept that will probably become Obsolete....  Quoting Tesla  " Well the Sign Says", that face masks must be worn at I and D, The Hubris of  Some Fleimeshe  to adhere to that rule? It bothered me a little, Wait actually a lot otherwise, I wouldn't it note it here. Seems like a basic concept of RESPEK... The Rebuttal, maybe they had gotten it already and had the antibodies, maybe they couldnt afford one, and my personal favorite At a Jewish store they don't need to wear one, if it was a shoprite, bank, or  Bodega, then they should wear the mask to "avoid desecrating G0ds name". I saw something, But didn't say Something........Dean Smith Always Meant what he said, But Didn't always Say what he was thinking, So with that in mind, .L' Shana Tova   ,(          ) The L' of course is a testament to My late Grandmother...

Superstition!

     Today is the 189th day of this "Situation" that is 6 months and nine days, May the good.........Through out this Pandemic, I have implemented Some Unwritten rules for myself, that I follow religously for instance I never lay out my clothes at night for work the next day, avoiding certain places and shops for no apparent good reason, Always Always reading Pslam 70 before going to sleep, and Adding an Extra Spill of water, from Three to Four on my hands Every Morning........The Famous Saying in the Arab world is "It Doesn't matter who votes, What matters is who counts the votes" and here in the Good ole USA, we are headed in a similar direction. How the Heck can't we figure out  how to stop meddeling by other countries, How we can  make sure Absnetee ballots are processed properly, and making sure people don't vote several times, and the actual processing of all the votes. EVERYONE knows this now, Why can't figire it out before HellEction Day...... Wev'e become a ONE issue voter; The Pandemic ........The Central Issue in our apartment Upgrade was..... A Second Bathroom, for an additonal $1100 a Month was it worth it? We resooundly vetoed that resolution citing that Since we have moved, we only had Three serious bathroom overlapping Issues, Twice for Number #1 and once for #2, and were able to manage the crisis succesfully, Even if it meant peeing in the Bottle............

 

.. 

Passover Bill of Rights amended

 The Passover Bill of Rights 
  AMENDED  1. Poor Mans Bread Cost a $#it load of Money
  
  2. Elijah The Prophet Comes in through the Front door and not the Chimney He does NOT         bring presents, It is 100%  safe to  welcome him in 

 3. In The Haggadah BEN ZOMA is a Scholar and not a Son of a Bitch 

 4. Everyone is aware the Romanian Lettuce has been Checked for Bugs, You do NOT need to  announce, when flying does the Pilot insist on Telling you That every Valise has been                 Checked for Bombs

   5. Macaroons are the officially sanctioned snack of this holiday 

  6. Double Dipping is not only Allowed But Encouraged,  
  
  7. Customary to Not Lace one's Shoes to Symbolize the Shackles our forefathers were              chained to in Egypt 

8. The Stick that beat the dog that bit the cat that ate the cheese Story is completely bullcrap 

9. The Jewish version of the NCAAs start on the second Night, Known as " The Omer"- The rules Single elimination, if you miss it you're out- You may still play at home........this season some have amended to add the quarantine days 

10. The commentators  say The real reason we eat matzoha is , while escaping from  Egypt G0d Wanted to constipate the Jewish people, that no one should have to go to the Bathroom and hold up the rest of the crowd