Thursday, October 30, 2014

After


 what appeared to be a successful Second date With HRG( Human rights girl)  The Third Date Seem to be like a Team having to show up for the  Consolation Game of the Otis Spunkmeyer Tournament. With out any real form of communication besides a text or two and a 6 minute short conversation the wind of change blew any Momentum we both may of Had coming off date Two. The Mood relaxed and the conversation general, We Broke Bread at another "Irving" Influenced establishment. Jokingly she said she felt like he was a third wheel, But the " Irving" effect was highly felt, and we toasted to all the Free Stuff the Hosts brought to our table. A 90th minute " what to order" Text from  my Sister in law, allowed  me to Impress big time yet again. Some more general banter, the Etymology of Family names, and an argument of who ate more on our dates, I may have offended when suggesting that she should look at my plate prior to her going to the ladies room all the time. Implying that I only eat when she's not looking, rather than her semi frequent use of the Wash room , was meant to be a compliment, but like the "Answer" I am misunderstood. Idealistically, I'm not very sure where this is going, But its on it's way...........



Friday, October 24, 2014

The Extra Seventeen




   minute wait for HRG( Human Rights girl) Was well worth it. As I kept circling the block fearing the Fuzz walking the beat should be back to ticket me after protecting and serving by making move off the Hydrant. She Smelled really good and an free exchange of ideas really flowed as to how many Cologne or Perfume sprays are allowed. "when in doubt spray less as to avoid smelling like the Shamies" who are notorious Cologne sprayer Violators. The Short ride to the Famed Lavo restaurant Specifically know for the Extra tall and leggy non WNBA playing woman, Jilted any nervousness i was feeling and it led me to confess that " irving" was not The Moshiach or Eliyahu hanavi but rather a concierge ( I was using my sil account)  that sets people at different places, She had one upped me on irving by  actually attending his wedding. Brimming with confidence that belied my Nervous nature I ordered for the table, yet  insisting she kept a  reserve menu behind her just in case. Once again Thanks to my SIL( sister in law) suggestions my order was a slam dunk on all fronts - Louie Salad- FF- Pizza- Salmon and Spinach. We got comfortable enough to Exchange Instagrams, and  Men's rooms V Ladies room Bathroom Drama. Hers Girls complaining of Nyc Guys and mine Guys farting with out regard to anyone else who maybe in the Bathroom, and Sympathizing for the poor Attendant stuck in a cramp space between Two urinals and a Sit down toilet. Fumbling for some words towards the end of the night, and not wanting to make the wrong or too soon move  " I had a really really great time" - " yeah me too" - Church on Sunday yup......... Thirty one years to the Marine Barracks Bombing in Beirut by Hezbollah






Thursday, October 23, 2014

IT WAS KALE SALAD,


all over again, but this go around the Kale Salad looked way better. Playing around on one of the Apps, I connected with an over the top, lights out Middle aged Divorcee, After a short text and phone exchange of pretty much just having similar backgrounds in common, The Fact of the Matter was She was Hot, So who cares. Having mentioned she needed to pick up her Health food at a Park Slope Shop, The Suggestion of going with her and then sitting somewhere in the area Seemed very logical. In Case it wasn't mentioned she was Hot. Our Conversation consisted of me listening to her Speak to her uncle on the ride there and her spewing some directions, but she was still hot, and clearly not into any part of me, I could been Gandhi or Jesus Christ or Long Don Silver( of Anita Hill fame) it would not have mattered. The Main Event Consisted of her Absolute favorite Brussels Sprouts and Fish, leading me to believe the Night can be salvaged. Not even that helped and in way out of character fashion for her, She became intensely tired, I complimented myself on having a good effect on her and suggested should she ever need to sleep to contact me. I wasn't flattered to be her first App Date, but i certainly know I wont be her last. "Did i set the Barometer high for you in  future dates?" She just complimented me on being a gentleman blablabla. What have we learned that it's bad for food digestion when you drink and eat at the same time, and more importantly that it should be forbidden for certain people to Procreate.......................
 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

“Gott mitt uns,”



 Was the Austrian Battle Cry in WWI, That means G0d is With us. Deciding to incorporate that theme into my Dates has yielded similar results to How the Austrians fared in the War to end all Wars. The Stone Rose lounge was the Venue for  A late Sunday Matinee get together with a girl, I've been speaking with for sometime.  She was every Jewish Woman's Dream girl; Except she was Straight.;A Successful colon something Dr, that scored really high on her SATS. Adding to her impressive Academic Resume She was also an avid runner, Who will be running her Second NYC marathon this November. Her time Roughly Six hours or 13 minute miles, What made it more impressive was well She wasn't exactly hmm Exactly. Everything clicked on every level except for what was supposed to click. What  have we learned was that i have 9 more years  before i do that colon Test, So there was some really really good news. No church on Sunday......... A great and resilient crowd at  the MET to protest " The Death of Klinghoffer", The Opera that glorify the Brutal Murder of a Jewish American Citizen. The Notables Speakers  there Mayor Guilaini, Peter King, Alan Dershowitz, Rabbi Shmooly, Ron Lauder and Mort Klien..........













Saturday, October 18, 2014

"NO MORE


WARS, NO MORE BLOODSHED, NO MORE BEREAVEMENT"..... "ENOUGH" ...... The State Dept implores all the Belligerents in the Simchat Torah Wars to lay down their arms. Their will not be any more causalities of Onion Rings and Laffy Taffy Lamented a nameless Community Organizer. Dylan Perhaps put it best  " How many deaths will it take it till he knows that too many people have died "....... Synagogue  Stat of the Week Hoshana Raba Hakafot last on an Average of 3:58.47 pending who leads the Round tripper..........

The Royal Treatment....


 Picking up HRG( changed from BRG Human rights girl) She was Surprisingly taller than I had anticipated and looked Especially pretty. Certain she can tell I was a lil nervous, Fumbling to finish off my Sentences and Thoughts of which I didn't come off as very articulate. My SIL( Sister in law) hooked me up a PAS establishment, and upon entering, promptly we were ushered to the best seats in the house. One of the Big wigs walked by to Shake my hand and make sure that Irving knew we were taken care of. Smiling Sheepishly I nodded my approval, and as he left I turned to my date with the " Who the hell is Irving face" - She didn't know either. Perhaps he was Eliyahou Hanavi  making sure my date is impressed. Unclear weather she was or wasn't, It still made me feel important. Neither of us really ate much, which some refer to as a good sign, But i waited till she went to the Ladies Room to sneak in a couple more slices. She Seemed attentive and interested as I was, and the conversation stayed relatively safe. COS looking good.......... Is it Blasphemous to curse out the rain considering it comes from G0d?

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

The Unmitigated,



 Disappointment finding out My Nike Fuel Bracelet was a complete fraud and Scam, was only superseded by Another Disappointment. Meeting up with another Soviet Ex pat, This time a little further out in Beirut  Ridge. Several minutes late, She suggested we sit in the outside seating of the cafe,  and despite being a little Drafty it made sense. She spoke of  hardships and Anti- Semtisim  growing up in the Ukraine, and  refused to take a position in the current conflict between Russia and the Ukraine. " Let them kill each other".. for all she cared. Noticing my Fuel band, She suggested i shake my hand for several seconds and watch my Fuel Points drastically rise, As long as she didn't accuse me of being a retard, I had no objections. Several Seconds later their was a 16 Fuel Point increase, and the Nike Sham Exposed. She Credited her Psychics and applied Mathematics for the Fuel band revelation, We both seemed grateful that G0d send us a clear sign to end the meeting; it got especially cold.  After Forty Three minutes  of clearly no love connection Etc Etc...  I thanked her for helping me avoid watching the Jets game, and the  Russian profanity translations, She Shot me a malevolent Smile, and a spurious nice to meet you........


Sunday, October 12, 2014

"How Do You Define


Traditionally Keeping Shabbat? " Basically I can't go out with Someone who is Shomer Shabbat- AT ALL", I'm guessing me and a Jswipe girl will not be going out. anytime soon. I didn't bother answering.......The Gideon Back to Gideon's looks like is back on again. I feel like Billy Martin coming back to the Yankees yet again, Except this will only be my Third time....... The Holiday spirit is still in the air, and what that generally means is it's also  Set up suggestion Season. Some names thrown at me, and it's always reciprocated with my blessings to throw out mine and generally no harm is done... I'm Pretty sure my sister in law has me in Dating Rotisserie, Shes on a mission to improve my image ( how i dress)  and is pretty optimistic. She took out time to order me a bunch of stuff, and will coordinate for me what goes with what. I have to Text her what I'm wearing for BRG( Beatles Rigby Girl )Monday night.....I'll text later to confirm........

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Skipping


the insipid and anemic phone call . ER Returned  my call with a Text, And the conversation took off from there, Culminating with a Discussion of the  Japanese Nobel prize winners for their work on LED lighting. She green lighted the date by Saying Led it be light See you Monday night...... My #2 Terror Alert level has risen to  Code Red Status, After a friend of mine has intensified his prayers against me. DM famously known for his prayers for Rain in Deal on Weekends, at a high Success rate. Is Unleashing his Wrath on me for Inquiring about the time he saw his grandmother of blessed memory Naked. All I asked was if she had retro bush and Droopy Yellow t%&s. The Last time He unleashed the curse. I got stitches, A flat tire, and had a customer stiff me 15 dimes in the same week. So with a lot of walking on the holidays and another potential upcoming date, I'm carrying an extra dose of Imodium........Happy Harvest, to make it absolute clear  it is very permissible to double stand, Block driveways, make illegal U turns for the sake of g0d and Mitzvot..............




Monday, October 6, 2014

41 years ago


 to the Yom Kippur War, The Egyptians have made a new documentary that glorifies "their great victory", again they may have covered the spread but certainly did not win.....It Bothers me a lil that Everyone I know That uses the phrase "Let me tell you Something"  Always  Happens to tell me something with  a$$ breath...... A Collaboration between my Sister and Law and an Acquaintance ,Has yielded  the Number of an Attractive GE( Great Expectations) girl. Checking out her FB, It's exciting to know that we have so much in common. I just need to brush up on several Pop Culture topics and as chick hearn would say Slam Dunk....  Meticulously going over the Initial phone call in my mind, I always prepare for every Scenario Imaginable, and prepare a couple of Jokes Should G0d forbid I may need to use. Thankfully I got her voice mail. The Ball is in her court now to respond, Pressure off........  




Sunday, October 5, 2014

The Great Day






of Atonement debate was "is it appropriate for someone who is a Sabbath Violator, Not 100%kosher eater, occasional fornicater with non Jewish woman etc. to be allowed to represent the congregation by carrying the Torah or getting called up to the Torah". My argument was that it's not something I would like to have on my conscience, The House Rabbi didn't give a black, white answer and with that I not only carried the Torah, but also got called to the Torah. The Cost for both $266.68. A Bargain for Yom Kippur...... The Services were somewhat uneventful until the Amateurish and inexperienced cantor drew the Ire of Some of the Petitioners, primarily the first family of the Minyan, or as some like to refer to them as The Kennedy's, meet's the Hockey Hanson Brothers with a Daash or ISIS Twist. The Bumbagee Clan, Who boisterously and clamorously  attacked the cantor for mispronouncing words and not representing the congregation well on the Holiest of Holy Days. The Outburst lasted for a very long Five minutes with 5 out of the 6 Bumbabgees voicing their opinion. Peace in our time was Brought back by the Great Azoori, and thankfully the Bumbagees will not be seceding from the Union. It was fascinating  to see Chief financial officer DM, Genuinely panic at the mere thought of having to shake any one's Hand, Even rejecting some Hands of the Rich,Famous and Torah Scholars. His Sentiments of course were Shared by " Columbine" a disgruntled looking young man who Seemed pretty angry, until Mooch Opened a conversation with him. Crazy Joe Devola was back, but Sadly Herman Munster was not. I really want to be Friends with Bumbagee Nation  








 

Friday, October 3, 2014

Fore Fore Fore


    With out  Any more social dating websites, or any potential dates I find that i have more time on my hands to write more Uncle Joe poetry....With Fore Fore Fore (Moses Malone Style) Encounters coming up, and very little chance of reaching the Main Event... Right away. I decided to forgo the online route. Last night was Hoboken, in Douche bag fashion I just ignored the text, Sunday night Merrick, Monday night the city, Tuesday White Plains, Of course their was the Israeli girl who asked that I call her after 700 P:M. I've become flaky, more insecure, and acting like a complete Dick........ Fore Fore Fore, maybe Fore and half- It pleases me to say that all Fore Girls that i was in a Sustainable and long term relationship are either Married or Engaged to be Married.The half also got married, but We had a really really good arrangement. There is no question in mind, that My ticket into heaven has been punched 




Thursday, October 2, 2014

Uncle Joe....

I was summoned to write a few words about the late great uncle Joe......I can't say I have much time on my hands as it took me about Seven Minute's, but a Trip to the Shrink's office maybe on the horizon


 uncle Joe you had a dream 
unlike Joseph's but dr martin Luther king's 
that kids would join hands together eating vanilla and chocolate ice cream
in an oasis of brotherhood they all chanted  let freedom ring 

 Uncle Joe you were The Captain of the ship   
 no one ever questioned why the ice cream was never chocolate chip 
 You were every generations universal Uncle Joe
 Even though you Simply refused to  grow 

 Uncle my Uncle you were the Whitman of Ice cream 
You bought the best flying Saucers, unlike Good humor or Mehadrin 
Our berachot we made were you're biggest treat 
we were grateful you weren't a Kohen, Cause you also had really smelly Feet

 You were an ice cream warrior 
with passion of a united postal mail courier 
Stopping many chocolate vs Vanilla fights
you were a champion of the ice cream civil rights

 You're spirit cried never, even when you're body stopped 
With you're inspiration we licked our ice cream to the last drop
 You've touched everyone, and prevented a lot of violence 
 That included the aged and those who are lactose intolerance 

 You're legacy lives on in the Minyan you Started for Free 
 The Torch has been passed to the Family of Bumbagee








Is "Not My Type"



 a Euphemism for ugly? Someone I know embellished my credential to a random girl .Made me 5 years younger, Some Million Dollars richer, and on the Gandhi level of a greatness. When She checked out my FB Profile pic her reply Not my Type. She wasn't mine either, but I'd still.... never mind...... Thanks to the Great SteveC, I've got Ein Od Milevado Tourette's, and in his voice also.... It Bothered me a little to see someone who  indubitably does great things for people, and impacting their lives,  Posting his Good deeds on line, and all the comments of how Wonderful it is. It really is Wonderful, but posting about it a little hmmm.......

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Happiness Requires A lot of work ?


     A Short Three minute conversation at 740 led to a spontaneous 815 meeting at a local McDonald's on bay parkway with an Soviet Expat with distant Photos in her profile. The Risk Was minimal, the investment was low, and the Return was well the return. Chirpy, with outrageous laughter, She looked really good in her distant photos, And seemed abnormally Happy. Sharing Stories,and observations over French Fries and water. It made feel really bad complaining that I pee too much, Especially after hearing what She's been through, Her Story made Tishe Be Av sound like a Festival. She kept repeating That Happiness requires a lot of work, and she didn't get this way over night. Suspecting she may have been on the sauce or Shrooms, She kept preaching the " Joel Osteen" Style message Sans the Jesus part. Their was no love connection, but i suspect she really liked me cause she kept insisting that it looks like i work out...........9 years ago the sudden passing of  PSAL coaching great Larry Major..........http://theorignalboat.blogspot.com/2013/09/waiting-on-very-long.html.