White People,

 

    Well actually Some White people are very Stupid. Firstly I am under no circumstances mimicking mask wearing, but sitting in you're car ALONE, Waiting for a meter to Expire for over an Hour while wearing a mask.....Every Day i make a concerted effort not to Honk, Swear and Admonish someone who beats me to a spot, or drives slowly etc.  Every Day I Fail.....Just Like the rest of the civilized world the General rule for WAZE is to take the fastest Route, When no Tolls Exist, and when they do, My Rule is Four Minutes Time Difference, Before I succumb and Support the MTA.... Time is relative, Being frugal this morning I decided to forgo the $6.12 Fee to the Battery Tunnel, and go with the 4 minute Slower ride on the Bridge. Putting my faith in Waze, got me Delayed or Stuck in almost every possible imaginable way. Finally Arriving Noineteen Minutes Beyond my Expected time is not all that bad, Except when you're driving Wiggling from one Butt Cheek to another to avoid the unavoidable, After All G0d is great and I made it....It was Heartwarming to See American Flags Being proudly Displayed and waved at all the Socially Distanced Champagne drinking helection Celebrations, I'm Glad We are back to being The Land of the Free and Home of the Brave.......Took me a while to notice that most of my Entries are very much like the Balfour Declaration, Bad grammar, and one long run on Sentence...

Doody

A Couple of Years ago, I drafted a stand up routine Should i ever go into the comedy Business, However i Misplaced My Notes so here is a summary of my routine. Caution this can be really bad...

      Not all Doody's are Homogeneous and no that doesn't mean a really smart gay guy.... Going #2 is like going to WAR, and now i know  Some would say Well have you ever been to War, Why trivialize it with, For the record I have never Been in any wars or Even War zones the closest I got was Staying in Southern Israel during protective edge in 2014 and the most traumatic moment for me was peeing all over myself after hearing my uncles wife yelling their was a code red. Now When going #2 one must Asses (no pun intended) what kind of #2 it would be kind of like having intelligence in the field. Now for  obvious reasons you  would want to fight this war on you're home Turf, You know the terrain the lay out of the land, and have an understanding of where everything is. Upon the first Splat the immediate call of action must be the courtesy flush, Which more or less is the Equivalent to the Air force Strike to clear up the area as much, Once that's Done you gain Clarity weather its a constipated doody, a Smooth one, A wet one etc... Then You move into the Ground Troops phase , which is the Toilet Paper , This will determine How smooth the war will go. Will it require a huge force of Squares, if the Massive use of force would irritate the Area, Would it be like iraq or would it be like Grenada? Once that Phase is completed Then the Mop up phase Starts which is the baby wipes stage where you wipe out any of the last resistance of the Insurrection, Making sure there is No doody left and thus avoid the Shame of the Skidmarks. Throughout the process the Air Force or the Flush is Used PRN  ( Dr's terms for as needed)  

What Percentage

     

  Of Life do you think You are operating at ?..... ,"Think about it", like the Heart. A Heavy Smoker, With Weight issues, and family history of  Cholesterol Heart Operates at about 15 Percent, That has been the best analogy I can think of how we are operating during this crisis.........A Woman from the housing Authority reeking of a cheap perfume and attitude, came in Flashing a Badge to check up on the location and make sure we are not in defiance of Kaiser Wilhelm Edicts. I'm not sure whether i should have cooperated completely, but I did, apparently they come to enforce the "Rules" at the Hot Spots. She Said she did NOT ticket me, But would you trust anyone from the City?...... " Do me a Favor"? Does that constitute as asking for a favor? Al Pacino Famously Said in Carlito's Way, "A Favor can kill you, faster than a bullet". The Employee of the Month, has recommended we chart  " Favor's Log " to ensure their is a Balance in Favors......... 

 

To Avoid Paying,

 

  fines all peoples of Faith, as long as they follow the rules. Should start Gathering on Subways and Buses and having their quorum or Minyans there. Fares and masks required, Would that go against the Science?.....Say No to Crack, And Thus far I am one day Clean........

Telling a

 

     Hasadic That he can't go to shul, is like telling Pilgrim Arriving at Plymouth Rock to Bathe... King Coumo II Son of Mario Facha Bruta King Coumo the I, and Mayor Kaiser Wilhelm Have said recently discovered video Showing  that the hasadeems, having mass gatherings Was deeply troubling, Thanks for the breaking news, It's only been going on Since JUNE......... I overpaid someone who does occasional deliveries' for me $40, Thus far he has ignored it, Should I bring it up?.....1-1-0 the Stats of the week 1 Hair cut, 1 Trip to the cleaners and 0 times Exercised since the Crisis Started.......An Argument has ensued Between myself and a colleague, as to whom was crazier, Myself or him, Stay tune for the Tale of the Tape, As you the 3 Readers would get to vote, With all proceeds going to the KY for the Needy Fund.....

Losing it,

  

    is a rare occurrence for me,  let me rephrase "really losing it", being provoked by my hasidic Neighbors, caused me to throw garbage bags at them and almost Striking them with pallet corner sticks. It didn't really matter what they did, but it was the classic case  of the  Eleven Pound of S%#it  syndrome. The only  Negative to this story was the Two colleagues at the Big J were not there to witness it, But on the bright side  a Pakistani kid, looking to make himself an internet sensation was fliming  the incident, upon which  i encouraged him to continue to flim, while yelling at the hasadim that i hated jews,  I suggest you search pakistani kid fliming Anti- Semite, perhaps good news for my colleagues......A friend whose name rhymes with Fachme has been sending me a lot of "Inspirational"  Torah Messages from a Torah Giant and a Notorious Anti-Zionist,  Advised by a man of reason to go the "Facts of Life"  route,  and  " Take the good, take the bad"  I'm Pretty Doubtful of Getting Inspiration, by someone who finds me reprehensible and deplorable .....

" Only Success,

 

    are to be celebrated, you don't celebrate failures, and that has been Policy for over 25 Years..... A colleague who cut barley a cm of my hair, Clearly knowing the Policy, was irritated at the fact that It's Just as much My right NOT  to participate in my own Birthday Observances, as it was his Right to Participate. To paraphrase the late Lesley Sue Goldstein " It's my party, I can Cry if I want to"...... Twenty Five Pushes per minute is what i calculated pushing my daughter on the Swings.......A Friend got Stuck on Ocean Parkway, and needed a Saw to cut the Metal Bumper stuck to his Tire. I drove by to the nearest Hardware, Where I Mistakenly Purchased and Electric Saw for $87.78   Instead of a hand held one. With Brick and mortars struggling, I decided to Just keep it, perhaps for a future horror film. A  trouble maker friend from Yemen and purveyor of Fake news , came by and began excoriating me for paying so much, he could get the same one for $10. The fact Checkers did not Exactly Validate his account, However when seeing it for $27.99 + additional savings I knew The Store pulled a fast one me, However what bothered me more was when looking at the package, there was a $65.99 sticker on the package...