MEASURE

 

        FOR MEASURE, is a reoccurring theme in this platform..... The Torah states "Before a Blind man, don't put an Obstacle" Staring out my Office window, and observing the Onion Smelling, blubbery heimesher loading up a car with boxes, walking back and forewords, narrowly missing a generous plop of Dog Poop. I't felt like being at a sporting event, sitting on the edge of my seat at a sudden death situation, and finally it happened, unaware that he stepped in, I raced out the door to celebrate this Triumph and to " spike the football". The Agony of defeat, watching the poor guy Scrambling to wipe his foot, with towel paper and Tissues, as I was celebrating the Thrill of victory, fully knowing the retribution the creator of the world has in store for me. I have been on high alert ever since, and with the city's putrid response to the Snowstorm of Three weeks ago, I have been dodging dog poop, as if it were a war zone clearing land mines, to Quote the late Great Jacob cohen " always look out for #1, and don't step in #2"..............

Welcome Back,

 

     After a long Hiatus, we have decided to reformulate and come back under a new Management. The winds of change have blown in many different Directions and there is much to catch up on and to update our valuable followers. Will try to maintain one of the older previous rules of limiting the lines to each post, as to not Bore the hell out you, and one new rule, despite its superiority, to protect the integrity of the blog, and Despite DM Suggestion CHATGPT is absolutely Traiff, and will adhere to strictest Blog Kashrus laws......... Now without further Aduo Lets' get after it

The Waiting time,

 

 From When the Lights Flash, to when the Drawbridge Closes and the barriers Open, Under the BQE is  Seven Minutes, twenty Five. Sixty Seconds, The Waiting time While Sitting in the car with your parents during the wait..........Walking to my car on a brisk and Rainy Morning, I Got that funny feeling, Looking back I saw the Squishy Splat and immediately headed to the curb to step in the first puddle. Knowing it was coming, I praised the Almighty for the retribution at laughing at the rabbi, Not as painful as it could have been...A double edge sword, when a douchebag loves and roots for the same sports team you love. If they win the DB is happy, and they lose you are Not........Annoyed, at an annoying post, from an annoying person, Showing him giddly heading to his Seat at the Ranger game, as his wife was narrating the post, lead to a moment of  Weakness, with me rooting especially hard for them to lose, Despite not having any skin in the game. To my delight, they Lost, though I did feel bad rooting against family and good friends, but definitely not bad enough 

Shopping at

 

   an Upscale Jewish Supermarket, On a Thursday afternoon, The First Two Signs That I don't really fit in is the Mask and the Yarmulka. In a light Hearted exchange with one of the Counter clerks, I Impressed him with whatever Yiddish I knew, So when he asked me where my " Kappal" or head covering was I pointed at the Mask, Gleefully He replied the Yarmulka Offers a lot more protection.,... Take that Foochi.!! The long lines inspired me to use the self check out. Scanning my items, I noticed one of the Heimeseh  Stores Workers, Coincidentally  " Straightening" out the shelf right near me, Continuing Scanning I Squinted  at every Scan to "make Sure" I won't be accused of any funny Business. In an amazing twist of Fate the Shelf looked perfect, just as my Receipt came out of the Machine.... Heading out, I called one of the employees to check my bags, but they Shrugged at said it was OK," Are you Sure"?.............

White People,

 

    Can be very Scary, Especially During these times. The Garbage shoot is roughly 12 Steps from my Apartment door, impetuously ,negligently, but innocuously I did NOT put on a 3 ply Cloth mask to take out the paper and the trash. Luck Had that I ran into a Middle aged Woman of white color, who shot me a look as if  I put it in the wrong hole, First reaction was to check my Pants, perhaps I popped wood, or even worse,  She Snarked " Please be mindful of others" and turned away, I apologized profusely for my transgression, and put the matter to rest.......When Things are going crappy, Do we Thank Gd that they aren't crappier?.......On the Banks  of the Potomac, There we sat and lamented the Loss of our democracy.........If I forget 01/06.....                                       

  

The Rabbi Stepped

 

    in it and I'm gonna get it......Practically, Every morning, A member of the Carnivora Order Deposits a Deuce on the Side of my work Driveway. Being Victimized and witnessing others, Forced me to learn the lay out of the land the hard way. Arriving for an Early Morning Pick up, and in a rush, The Rabbi Was Aggressive in loading up his car, forging ahead I saw the Solid pile all Squished, Checking my feet i was grateful, Observing the Rabbis Feet as he continued to load up his van, My Sympathetic Sentiments were quickly overridden with a huge grin and occasional burst of laughter. Knowing well aware that Karma is a B#I@TCH, In True "Police" Fashion,"Every step i take" it hasn't come,,,But like the Moshiach Even if have doubts, I Know that eventually I will Step in it... Stepping up in line at the supermarket, The Cashier Seemed Preoccupied on her Phone, My thoughts Ranged from, Being like the annoying white people  and Elucidate a mature voice sounding "EXCUSE ME", to throating clearing as my father does when he wants to pressure the cantor to Restart the Service. Choosing the road less traveled i began Shaking in a Davening Style manner and just like that that the Scanning began. Figuring I am onto Something i stopped by Laffy's for a quick Bite. Finding myself behind an Accented Woman, She was grilling the cashier on just about every product in her Basket. I moved to the other end of the counter, and proceeded to Daven while waiting for the Store clerk to open up the other register, however he was quite busy Straightening out the Shelfs, and continued ignoring me... Exasperated at the situation, I Just walked Away.....

The Rabbi Got

 

 an Alliyah, And the Sergeant in Arms of the Temple gesticulated for all to rise. Sitting, he caught my attention and Motioned for me to rise. Playing dumb I Waved back in a greetingly manner, Which in turn caused him to Increase the intensity of his Wave, much to his disdain i returned the same Wave. Shooting me a look as if i farted up the Synagogue, he turned to focus on the Alliyah.....I did hold the door open for him at a later hour, and was Thanked, Peace was preserved......According to Some there are levels of reactions when commenting on How cute Something or Someone's Kid is The " STOP  IT STOP IT OMG" is  probably second in annoyance only to the  " I CAN'T BREATHE"  "Seriously, Seriously" to quote The great IBH  George floyd couldn't breathe, Not you looking at someone's BS Kid...

Laffy's

is a Neighborhood Shop that specializes in ME foods and Delicacies. As a frequent customer, I enjoy the friendly banter with the staff as well as the Selection of foods. It Was brought to my attention that allegedly Expiring dates have been Erased off Certain food and beverages, for example Cheese and Diet sprite. After a Thorough and serious fact finding mission, the allegation was proved to be True. Now the last thing, that is wanted is for Laffy's to get a Bum Rap, I will present you the reader with the Prodigious  Responsibility of letting me know how to handle the situation!  Choice A) Ignore the matter and never go back  B) Discreetly bring it up to Mr Laffy and let him address the matter C) confront the staff in a truculent manner.......... Prior to the bidding portion of the services, the organizer hands out a detailed pamphlet of what is available for purchase. Sheepishly I asked, Can I purchase something on Consignment, with the promise of payment Plus Juice, After all Gd does Reward those who give...... Another ingenious and revolutionary ploy to make Extra bucks for the Synagogue, is to sell One Way or round trip Tickets of carrying the Torah. Firstly to the Bima and the return trip back to the Arc.....

Is There an E

 

xpiration, on the Special prayer for finding a lost object ? The basic rule is " Lose or misplace an item  make a pledge in Honor of the Rabbi, Say a few lines, When the " Miracle" happens, You fulfil the pledge to charity". Frantically, I was searching for my Keys, at the Behest of a collogue, Whom had a miracle story of his own, I said the prayer, did  my diligence  in the scavenge with no results. One week later a customer, whom, I shipped some boxes to called me " Why did you ship us Keys"?......to Quote the Late great Jimi Jameson " The Search is over". I'm Still on the hook ........If an A/C repair van was double parked on a Small Park Slope  Street with one of his backdoors open, Obstructing Traffic. Would one Just wait, and assume the driver will be right there? I Honked on and off for about 15 Seconds ( too short to time) and nothing, slightly irritated or perhaps a little more, I Stepped out of my car to Shut his door, A Holler of HEY, roared out " Don't touch my van" ! calmly I Said. Relax man  I'm Just trying to get by. Slightly more aggressive this time he said " Don't touch my van". Not wanting to Escalate the Situation I backed off, and the Van Door remained Shut.....

Hearts and Minds

      Clearly no hearts and minds will be won over the latest clashes with Israel and the Palestinians. But I wish to Thank the Ultra Liberals Who have shown the light as to why the world Needs a Palestinian state instead of the State of Israel :

1) For being a bastion of human rights for all oppressed peoples in the region primarily the lgbtq people, as their very own founding father mr Arafat was a not so proud member

2) For the free and fair elections they hold every 4 years

3) For their virulent and congenital anti semitic sentiments

4) for their resilience in trying to  eliminate the jewish state, it was tried in 48 with mr pasha of the arab league promising massacres rivaling Mongolian times to Nassar in 67 rallying the umma to throw the Jews into the sea, to the October war of 73 which despite losing they covered the spread to hijackings, terror attacks, Intifadas, boycotts, and indiscriminate rocket or mosquito bites that happen to also send to shelter the 1.9 million arab Citizens of the state

5) for their leaders all finding ways of being extraordinarily wealthy, without a trace of corruption and theft, and Sharing the wealth with its people.

6) for the free and open press and right to criticize the government, without facing any backlash or threats whatsoever. It’s wonderful to see protestors on a weekly basis outside mr Abbas or mr sinwars residence 

7) That police departments across the US would not get their training from Israel and thus cease to oppress peoples of color

8) That the Russians who have never and would never ever disseminate any false information coined the ever popular phrase “settler colonial State" That is so widely used today.  On Behalf of who, Did these jews colonize the land?  I am only aware of the colonizers from Yemen Egypt Iraq etc Who were afforded the "Hobson choice".

9) for their refusal under no circumstances to even accept a jewish state on any parcel of land in the region and thus ensure that when lets say an Air france plane full of jews gets hijacked or a Jewish Center in Argentina Gets blown up, No one would come to the aid of these jews Thus Ensuring that " Never Again " does NOT mean " Never again"...

 

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5

 

 is the Five Second Wait period to respond, When Speaking. Kudos to the distinguished Arsonist,  DM whom, Has shown me the light in proper Speech Etiquette..... The Times they are A Changing...Are You Fully? That was an old age Question that was raised, And Still relevant today when asking someone if they Are Fully Bar Mitzvah, the Same Question is asked, However Referencing if You are Fully Vaccinated and cleared the Two Week wait period..... Please Refer to Past Year's Passover Posts for the Bill of Rights, As we have received Severe Backlash for Reprinting Every Year......

Social Distancing

 

         There are Circles at stores, indicating where to stand, before reaching the Register. It troubled me terribly, to a point of  road rage proportions that a Medium to elderly Lady would Refuse to advance to the next Circle. Thinking,  what would my father do in this Situation. Should I creep up on  her with in an inch, look over her shoulder and utilize the fake Cough, it is Corona time after all. I gingerly Advanced slowly towards her circle, and was shaking Davening style with the hopes She'd advance. Only to be Rescued by another Draw Opening and the Magical words  "Next in Line" were called out.... Needing to clear my Storage, I offered $65 for the Maximum two hour Job, of going back and forth 3 Times Respectfully Declining the Young man Said, He wouldn't leave his house for less than $100. Annoyed at the Smugness' and Hubris, I was Rescued by a call, With a Friend with van of whom Wished to do me the " Favor ". It's presumed that this Favor will be quite Costly as he backed into the Gate Switch of the Storage Rendering it "out of Service". We all know the Moral of the Story.....  

SNOW ?

 

       The only Thing, I detest more than the Snow is How much People Say They Love the Snow. Getting Plowed in Sucks, But Getting Plowed in Twice Sucks Even more, took a combined 74 minutes to Shovel my self out..." Why didn't you park on the Left Side of the Street"? Living in NYC, Piss Off.......Mea Culpa, I was quite Profane to a Mini Driving Heimeshe Debutante, While waiting for her Machine to repaired, She was Blocking the drive way, and the only Suitable exit out of my spot. I Motioned for her to please move, with out a response, She DID see me, not wanting to exacerbate the situation, I tried to Drive my car through one of favorite things in life, the snow. After more shoveling, and some Help from IBH who raced over to take the wheel, and some Amazing grace, we made it out. Selfishly, I wanted to disturb this poor young Lady from either being deep in prayer or Reciting Psalms.......Allah Hu Akbar G0d is Great.............

     ..... 

and you're S#&It

 

 Doesn't Stink, That is literally what happens after getting corona......One Month later and i Still have "Gas immunity" at home.... Do You count your Cash, after withdrawing money from the ATM?....Wheel of Fortune aires one hour earlier in Florida than New York. My betrothed was Astounded  to see that I was solving all the puzzles at an alarming rate, An Avid and excellent Wheel of Fortuner, She Generally out solves me by a 98-2 rate, like Heshy Katz always Says Even a broken clock is right Twice a day. I Equated it to having a 50 average and suddenly pulling 100's. Riddled with guilt, I had to confess To my  Betrothed That Rena Was the leak, Feeding me the puzzle Answers from Florida..... 

Cheers,

 

     Historical Documentaries, Sleep, and Anxiety highlighted the rest of the Week. Very Fortunate to be spoiled by my parents, Not so fortunate to sleep on a soft uneven Sofa Bed, But Rena's Grilled Cheese, Despite having Several Missing cheese spots  has been the Jerome Moiso of the Quarantine..... With all the Uncertainty, The Paranoia and Superstition  Still Persists, Am I safe to go outside? Am i contagious? Do I pose a risk to others?  I dare not Mimic the Virus, and am even more insistent that Trump got routed in this election for Belittling Corona and it's Effects primarily the psychological ones of having to be Seperated from Society for a period of Ten Days or more. Despite the claims That "it's Over" I will continue to be a Sheep and Dawn the Mask and Be as cautious as ever before....... 

First day in

   the Woods....... 12.28.2020  Not Showing any Major Symptoms, Besides Lethargy, aches and major anxiety. My Main concern was for my Wife and kid, and Wait to see  if More Symptoms start kicking in. . Settling into the Spare Bedroom of my Parents Domicile, Staring at the ceiling and Presuming the worse at every cough, Short breath or Ache, It gave me some comfort that my appetite subsided and that i can smell the methane Gas I was providing. The Cocktail Prescribed was Zithromax 500 mg, Zinc, Vitamin D, Vitamin C , Tylenol and Patience.  The news Spread Pretty Quickly and I must say it was heartwarming to get Texts and calls, Though one  Friend of Yemeni Descent, Was Quick to " Congratulate" me on sounding really Well and all But Proclaimed me "Healed", SuperStitious and Paranoid, I told him i had to go, and went on to Binge on the " Last Dance" documentary before calling it a night........ 

 

The Corona

 Timeline....... A colleague of whom i work in Very close proximity, delegated a text to me at 3:36 friday afternoon that he is not feeling well and has done a corona test. Indifferently alarmed, I began going over Strategy with my wife trying to cover all scenarios.  5:19 Saturday night I get the Text "Positive".  5:23 I convey the News to another colleague who works in the West wing of the 450 Square Office to let him know the status of his Fourth Brother.  Progressively Alarmed, Despite  Not displaying any Symptoms, I scrambled to Schedule a test 9:30 Sunday Morning, Followed by a rapid Test at 11:30 and yet another Test right after that at the Same Location.  Heading off to work I inform an associate picking up boxes of the situation and make sure he does NOT come in the office as i will leave the cases outside for him. Twenty Two Minutes after taking the rapid Test, The Doctor's office calls me that, I was Negative. My caution Dropped to Moderate as I headed home. Around 6:44 Sunday night I began feeling some Chills, And aches. My greatest Fears are going through my mind. Taking Two Tylenol Pm I Struggle to Fall Asleep, As I wait for the Benadryl to kick in. Waking up at 6:43 Monday morning, I still feeling achy and Take Tylenol, Where after about 30 Minutes I feel Well enough to Shower and Pray, I Isolate Myself from my Wife and kid and Anxiously Wait. There are Still no contingent plans as to What we will do, but the Call comes in at 9:57, Positive, at 10:00 Inform the "4th Brothers" Brother. We  Discussed the possible scenarios as to where it could have happened but I was glad he finally agreed with me " That My Body, my Choice" is not really a fair way to assess Ones Refusal to wear a mask. Having to cancel the Nanny, and without anyone besides my wife to watch the kid, I Strapped the N95 Powerful mask rolled down the windows and drove them to Brooklyn to get Tested. After Dropping them off, I Headed back to Isolation in a Private Room in my parents apartment in Brooklyn..... 

Put your

  Hand in the hand of the man, Since the Crisis began I have Shaken only TWO peoples hands. The First was the Great Sidney Arthur Rosenberg of the Sid and Bernie show at the "Corona virus hates the jews Rally" where I mentioned I was a big fan and Was sorry he never got to meet Lee Mazzili, He Said he had to go and Extended his Hand out. The Second was a Delivery guy from the Rolling Hills of Tennessee, After unloading Freight by me on an Early Rainy morning Sometime in October.  Instantly, After both Encounters, I immediately reached for the Purell, and Hoped..... Tip Season is Upon us, and I always agreed it was a nice gesture, But completely unnecessary. Why Should Someone Be Given Extra Cheese for doing Their Job? Unlike a Server, Or Livery Driver it's not something that is incorporated in their Salary. The Damage this Year will be be $1850 Personal and roughly $425 Business of which some can be counted as Hush Money.....The Humane Mouse Trap Count is Five over the past Three Days, That Includes Two in One Trap This morning. Just like released Terrorists I make them Sign a waiver Never to return, and release at the End of the Block to head out South towards Kings Highway........

A Vibrator,

 

  to be specific, a Trojan Vibrations Ultra Touch Fingertip massager, Was Snuck into my Bag of Groceries and food As I was closing up my office and heading home. Upon arriving home, the bag was placed on the bench where my Betrothed, usually unpacks it. After washing up, I was horrified to see my little daughter walking around with dental floss, and that Purple package. Usually giving the benefit of doubt it was clear who done it, perhaps as clear as a Yemenite "inadvertently" lifting a certain special Knife blade. The Next morning I arrived at a 5th Ave Brooklyn pharmacy to pick up a return. With appx 23 Minutes to kill prior to their opening at 800, I walked into the Walgreens down the block for some Scotch tape and Red bull (Sugar free of course). Walking in the alarm Buzzed, and I proceeded on my Trek to the Scotch Tape section. It did and didn't surprise me when the cashier gave me back .96 cents, while the customer ahead of me in the Exact same situation was given the Whole dollar back. Declining a bag, I headed to the door, Where Guess what, Confidently I walked back to the Cashier, emptying my pockets to show that Nothing was lifted, only to pull out no pun intended,  Sheepishly, I gave the " dog ate my Homework" Explanation and after expounding further, The smiling cashier and Manager gave me the vote of confidence of " No Judgements here" The Moral of the Story Always check your pockets.....For the first time since moving on "UP", I parked in the same exact street Spot for  Three Consecutive nights,  The Previous record Was Two, Done on Several Occasions......

 

Early Ballots,

 

 is a lot like Checking in you're Valises first, at the Airport ,They Get Processed First, But  Come out last at the Pick up Carousel.....At What Point is one declared a Hoarder, Perhaps at 40 Boxes of Lysol wipes, Currently I'm at 33...... Back in my Retail Days, nothing more i detested was that "Excuse me, Or the Fake extended Cough to get my Attention to get to the register right away. After Waiting to place an order at a local Pizzateria for roughly FOUR minutes, I continued waiting, where upon a Middle aged Heimeshere Lady Walked right up to the glass counter and had was promptly greeted with a " may a help you", She  never even motioned to the Clerk that I was there first, I walked out...... It brought me back to the time a debutante, Shamelessly plopped her items on the counter, Knowing ,  my stuff was there first and telling the clerk in an unsavory manner " I am double parked"........